I'll admit to my recent obsession with French music

This last week went by so slowly. I tried my hardest to be productive, but my mind felt slow. So slow. I caught a cold the day after I got back from Mexico (at least I didn't catch a foreign disease, right? Because diseases freak me out). I'm finally feeling better, and I think I'm starting to feel more like myself... Slowly.

I just reread that and realized how many times I used the word 'slowly'...oh well.

So instead of rushing around a lot this past week I stayed home and processed, planned and tidied. I've plunged myself into a desperate attempt to organize my room but unfortunately organization is not one of my gifts. It's really not. But I'm working on it, and maybe that will change (we can hope). I was thankful for the time to process because the future still seems unsure, and I need to remember to pray and trust God. It's a constant up and down scenario. Exciting as the future looks, I have my doubts, and nothing is finalized yet, so I wait in anxious anticipation to figure out what's next. When really, what I should be doing is focusing on God and praying about it. When I spend an amount of time in adamant prayer I feel so much better, and completely refreshed. It's funny how that works.

Of course the week was also full of the usual things. Coffee, cats and music. French music, to be exact. I've always loved French music but this past week I actually started to delve into it. And what a lovely decision that was. I've become happily obsessed. C'est merveilleux.

I promise I'll start posting more about Russia and all of that very soon but right now I'm trying to get back into the groove of blogging. I've learned that blogging about a certain subject often calls for a certain mood or inspiration. Hopefully it'll hit me soon.

xoxo,
madeline claire

The Wedding

This post is long overdue but I thought I'd post it anyway. Because my sister's wedding day was one of the most brilliant days I've ever experienced.

May 5 was the anticipated day, and with much chaos, joy and laughter we swiftly approached it. It seemed like a dream when I woke up that Sunday morning and prepared for one of the grandest occasions in life. My sister, full of a special kind of joy, a joy that I believe is somehow tucked away inside a girl until her wedding day, was about to be married. Life moves so fast. So simply I can recall Stacia and I as little girls, and here we are now. How do we adjust to such changes, good as they are? The day was feel of bittersweet tears, rightly so, as change brings us to a place of reflection. Even still there are days when I am filled to the brim of emotions that life falls into such beautiful moments. I feel blessed beyond compare to have such a wonderful sister, and that her wedding was such a day to remember. Everything felt completely romantic and timeless. I was honestly breathless the entire day, and my heart felt like bursting when I saw Stacia marry the love of her life.

Leading up to the wedding we had so many joyous moments. I adore Stacia and Michael's friends. I love the friends I got to see again, and the new people I got to meet. We laughed till our hearts were full as we prepared for the big day. Stressful as it was, the wedding preparation is connected to some of my best memories. I recall all the craziness like it was yesterday. Like the moment we found out the preacher couldn't perform the ceremony anymore and we had to fly out our pastor from California the day before the wedding. Or the way it rained on the wedding day but it ebbed and flowed in perfection and we weren't really affected by it all that much (even though the ceremony was outside). I am so grateful for memories and the sentimentality they evoke. Call my silly but I still find myself stopping and thinking of the wedding. It was a wonderful day. But even better - it was the start of a beautiful marriage.

copyright Sarah Becker Photography

xoxo

madeline claire

Coming Up

Privet! I know it's been such a long time, and I really do need to start posting more. This summer has been so busy, so I haven't had much time to settle down and post about it, but things have gotten a little slower so I'm hoping (fingers crossed) to post more within the next few days. There's so much I have to share! This summer has been the best of my life and I'm excited to finally put it into words (to the best of my abilities). 

Tonight I'm filled to the brim with sentimentality, but I won't bore you by babbling on, and on about it (because I very well could) and I'll close with a couple pictures I took while in Russia instead.

Kalachinsk, Russia, Omsk Region

до свидания!

Madeline

One Year, Kids

I know, it's been forever since I've written here, and this is an interesting way to start off what I hope becomes a chain of more frequent posts. But I felt inspired today out of all days to share with all of you a little bit of how God is working in my life.

You see, March 31st will mark one year since I left treatment for anorexia. One whole year, and I haven't been back. I felt sure that when I left at this time last year I would relapse instantly. I was at a very vulnerable place, a place where any change, no matter how small, sent me into an whirlwind of emotions. I look back at where I was and where I am now and my eyes fill with tears because only by the grace of God have I been able to come this far. Has it been an easy road? By no means. Has it been fun? Certainly not. But God has brought me through this past year very faithfully, and that truly overwhelms my heart. God never gave up on me, and He remained by my side through it all. Slowly I began to turn away from trying to control every aspect around me by the way I ate or exercised, by the amount I weighed or the distance I could run. The things I used to depend on for my happiness are nothing compared to the joy that I receive from being in relationship with Christ.

This post is solely centered around the way God's love has changed my life because without God's love I am sure that I would be back in treatment this coming March 31st. And I am sure that I would still be weighing myself everyday and counting every calorie. Sure, I don't always have an easy time with recovery. Recovery is an endless pursuit that I have to work hard at, and I fall short so often. So often I have a hard time eating or I worry about gaining weight. I have a very difficult time with positive self-image and I worry time and time again about what I look like or what people think of me. But everyday I am learning more and more that God's love covers all of my worries and He is the reason I am beginning to smile with a brave heart again. He is the reason I am ready to dive deeply into my passions and pursue new adventures. I am learning to find my identity in Christ and nothing else, because the things I used to find my identity in are worldly, passing things that have left me empty. I don't want to live my life in an empty, emaciated world full of endless agonies and harmful pursuits. I want to live my life for Christ and bring Him glory during my time on this broken earth. He has saved my soul and given a second chance, and there is nothing I could image that could bring me more peace and joy than serving Him.

A year ago I wouldn't have said that. Because a year ago I was relying on myself to get past horrible depression, and severe anxiety. Although I still struggle with those things I have begun to cope in a healthier way, and that has made all the difference. I look back at the past year and I see the struggles. I see the hard and scary days but I am unable to forget the beautiful, timeless moments that have left me with wonderful memories. God has truly blessed me with amazing friends. So I want to thank each and everyone of you for sticking by my side through all of this. For listening to the aches of my heart, as well as laughing with me in the midst of confusion. There are always new battles we must face but thank God we may face them with friends.

"And we are His portion and He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes,
If grace is an ocean, we're all sinking.
So Heaven meets earth like an unforeseen kiss,
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest,
I don't have time to maintain these regrets,
When I think about the way
He loves us."