One Year, Kids

I know, it's been forever since I've written here, and this is an interesting way to start off what I hope becomes a chain of more frequent posts. But I felt inspired today out of all days to share with all of you a little bit of how God is working in my life.

You see, March 31st will mark one year since I left treatment for anorexia. One whole year, and I haven't been back. I felt sure that when I left at this time last year I would relapse instantly. I was at a very vulnerable place, a place where any change, no matter how small, sent me into an whirlwind of emotions. I look back at where I was and where I am now and my eyes fill with tears because only by the grace of God have I been able to come this far. Has it been an easy road? By no means. Has it been fun? Certainly not. But God has brought me through this past year very faithfully, and that truly overwhelms my heart. God never gave up on me, and He remained by my side through it all. Slowly I began to turn away from trying to control every aspect around me by the way I ate or exercised, by the amount I weighed or the distance I could run. The things I used to depend on for my happiness are nothing compared to the joy that I receive from being in relationship with Christ.

This post is solely centered around the way God's love has changed my life because without God's love I am sure that I would be back in treatment this coming March 31st. And I am sure that I would still be weighing myself everyday and counting every calorie. Sure, I don't always have an easy time with recovery. Recovery is an endless pursuit that I have to work hard at, and I fall short so often. So often I have a hard time eating or I worry about gaining weight. I have a very difficult time with positive self-image and I worry time and time again about what I look like or what people think of me. But everyday I am learning more and more that God's love covers all of my worries and He is the reason I am beginning to smile with a brave heart again. He is the reason I am ready to dive deeply into my passions and pursue new adventures. I am learning to find my identity in Christ and nothing else, because the things I used to find my identity in are worldly, passing things that have left me empty. I don't want to live my life in an empty, emaciated world full of endless agonies and harmful pursuits. I want to live my life for Christ and bring Him glory during my time on this broken earth. He has saved my soul and given a second chance, and there is nothing I could image that could bring me more peace and joy than serving Him.

A year ago I wouldn't have said that. Because a year ago I was relying on myself to get past horrible depression, and severe anxiety. Although I still struggle with those things I have begun to cope in a healthier way, and that has made all the difference. I look back at the past year and I see the struggles. I see the hard and scary days but I am unable to forget the beautiful, timeless moments that have left me with wonderful memories. God has truly blessed me with amazing friends. So I want to thank each and everyone of you for sticking by my side through all of this. For listening to the aches of my heart, as well as laughing with me in the midst of confusion. There are always new battles we must face but thank God we may face them with friends.

"And we are His portion and He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes,
If grace is an ocean, we're all sinking.
So Heaven meets earth like an unforeseen kiss,
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest,
I don't have time to maintain these regrets,
When I think about the way
He loves us."