I'll admit to my recent obsession with French music

This last week went by so slowly. I tried my hardest to be productive, but my mind felt slow. So slow. I caught a cold the day after I got back from Mexico (at least I didn't catch a foreign disease, right? Because diseases freak me out). I'm finally feeling better, and I think I'm starting to feel more like myself... Slowly.

I just reread that and realized how many times I used the word 'slowly'...oh well.

So instead of rushing around a lot this past week I stayed home and processed, planned and tidied. I've plunged myself into a desperate attempt to organize my room but unfortunately organization is not one of my gifts. It's really not. But I'm working on it, and maybe that will change (we can hope). I was thankful for the time to process because the future still seems unsure, and I need to remember to pray and trust God. It's a constant up and down scenario. Exciting as the future looks, I have my doubts, and nothing is finalized yet, so I wait in anxious anticipation to figure out what's next. When really, what I should be doing is focusing on God and praying about it. When I spend an amount of time in adamant prayer I feel so much better, and completely refreshed. It's funny how that works.

Of course the week was also full of the usual things. Coffee, cats and music. French music, to be exact. I've always loved French music but this past week I actually started to delve into it. And what a lovely decision that was. I've become happily obsessed. C'est merveilleux.

I promise I'll start posting more about Russia and all of that very soon but right now I'm trying to get back into the groove of blogging. I've learned that blogging about a certain subject often calls for a certain mood or inspiration. Hopefully it'll hit me soon.

xoxo,
madeline claire

The Wedding

This post is long overdue but I thought I'd post it anyway. Because my sister's wedding day was one of the most brilliant days I've ever experienced.

May 5 was the anticipated day, and with much chaos, joy and laughter we swiftly approached it. It seemed like a dream when I woke up that Sunday morning and prepared for one of the grandest occasions in life. My sister, full of a special kind of joy, a joy that I believe is somehow tucked away inside a girl until her wedding day, was about to be married. Life moves so fast. So simply I can recall Stacia and I as little girls, and here we are now. How do we adjust to such changes, good as they are? The day was feel of bittersweet tears, rightly so, as change brings us to a place of reflection. Even still there are days when I am filled to the brim of emotions that life falls into such beautiful moments. I feel blessed beyond compare to have such a wonderful sister, and that her wedding was such a day to remember. Everything felt completely romantic and timeless. I was honestly breathless the entire day, and my heart felt like bursting when I saw Stacia marry the love of her life.

Leading up to the wedding we had so many joyous moments. I adore Stacia and Michael's friends. I love the friends I got to see again, and the new people I got to meet. We laughed till our hearts were full as we prepared for the big day. Stressful as it was, the wedding preparation is connected to some of my best memories. I recall all the craziness like it was yesterday. Like the moment we found out the preacher couldn't perform the ceremony anymore and we had to fly out our pastor from California the day before the wedding. Or the way it rained on the wedding day but it ebbed and flowed in perfection and we weren't really affected by it all that much (even though the ceremony was outside). I am so grateful for memories and the sentimentality they evoke. Call my silly but I still find myself stopping and thinking of the wedding. It was a wonderful day. But even better - it was the start of a beautiful marriage.

copyright Sarah Becker Photography

xoxo

madeline claire

Coming Up

Privet! I know it's been such a long time, and I really do need to start posting more. This summer has been so busy, so I haven't had much time to settle down and post about it, but things have gotten a little slower so I'm hoping (fingers crossed) to post more within the next few days. There's so much I have to share! This summer has been the best of my life and I'm excited to finally put it into words (to the best of my abilities). 

Tonight I'm filled to the brim with sentimentality, but I won't bore you by babbling on, and on about it (because I very well could) and I'll close with a couple pictures I took while in Russia instead.

Kalachinsk, Russia, Omsk Region

до свидания!

Madeline

One Year, Kids

I know, it's been forever since I've written here, and this is an interesting way to start off what I hope becomes a chain of more frequent posts. But I felt inspired today out of all days to share with all of you a little bit of how God is working in my life.

You see, March 31st will mark one year since I left treatment for anorexia. One whole year, and I haven't been back. I felt sure that when I left at this time last year I would relapse instantly. I was at a very vulnerable place, a place where any change, no matter how small, sent me into an whirlwind of emotions. I look back at where I was and where I am now and my eyes fill with tears because only by the grace of God have I been able to come this far. Has it been an easy road? By no means. Has it been fun? Certainly not. But God has brought me through this past year very faithfully, and that truly overwhelms my heart. God never gave up on me, and He remained by my side through it all. Slowly I began to turn away from trying to control every aspect around me by the way I ate or exercised, by the amount I weighed or the distance I could run. The things I used to depend on for my happiness are nothing compared to the joy that I receive from being in relationship with Christ.

This post is solely centered around the way God's love has changed my life because without God's love I am sure that I would be back in treatment this coming March 31st. And I am sure that I would still be weighing myself everyday and counting every calorie. Sure, I don't always have an easy time with recovery. Recovery is an endless pursuit that I have to work hard at, and I fall short so often. So often I have a hard time eating or I worry about gaining weight. I have a very difficult time with positive self-image and I worry time and time again about what I look like or what people think of me. But everyday I am learning more and more that God's love covers all of my worries and He is the reason I am beginning to smile with a brave heart again. He is the reason I am ready to dive deeply into my passions and pursue new adventures. I am learning to find my identity in Christ and nothing else, because the things I used to find my identity in are worldly, passing things that have left me empty. I don't want to live my life in an empty, emaciated world full of endless agonies and harmful pursuits. I want to live my life for Christ and bring Him glory during my time on this broken earth. He has saved my soul and given a second chance, and there is nothing I could image that could bring me more peace and joy than serving Him.

A year ago I wouldn't have said that. Because a year ago I was relying on myself to get past horrible depression, and severe anxiety. Although I still struggle with those things I have begun to cope in a healthier way, and that has made all the difference. I look back at the past year and I see the struggles. I see the hard and scary days but I am unable to forget the beautiful, timeless moments that have left me with wonderful memories. God has truly blessed me with amazing friends. So I want to thank each and everyone of you for sticking by my side through all of this. For listening to the aches of my heart, as well as laughing with me in the midst of confusion. There are always new battles we must face but thank God we may face them with friends.

"And we are His portion and He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes,
If grace is an ocean, we're all sinking.
So Heaven meets earth like an unforeseen kiss,
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest,
I don't have time to maintain these regrets,
When I think about the way
He loves us."

VOTE

Just a reminder that in one week the polls will open and we'll have a chance to vote on serious decisions regarding our country. Look into the real facts if you haven't yet and get excited if you're able to vote. What a wonderful privilege we have here in America to have our voices heard! By the way, check out the amazing phone case I got here in Hawaii. The 'right' kind of phone case, if you know what I mean.

I'm such a nerd.

xoxo, madeline claire

Aloha!

My family and I are in Hawaii, the island of Maui! We've been here together since Friday and it's been quite the adventure. When I say adventure I'm talking tsunami warning type of adventure. Saturday Canada was hit with an earthquake that caused waves to hit different coastlines. Maui was under warning, serious warning, complete with sirens and speakers reminding everyone to move to higher ground. Having memories of tsunami footage I saw when I was quite young gave me chills. I could picture the giant wave enveloping homes and lives. The sirens seemed to have a bad effect on traffic causing everyone to go into a mad scramble to stay safe. Yet the wave turned out to be 5 feet. Just 5 feet! I could have gone and played in that water! I am thankful, though. Nothing was damaged and all were safe. 

Maui is lovely. The green trees and plants are breathtaking, the clean air is refreshing and I quite enjoy the signing birds. They're everywhere! We've experienced nature, and the tiny local towns. I tried sushi, and hated it... Little things like that. It's just wonderful to be here with family, making memories and trying new things.

I'll write more when I have time but until then, Aloha!

Xoxo, madeline claire

The Woods are Lovely...

I find my mind to be very good company. All the thoughts, the ideas. I am filled with satisfaction when I spend time away from everything. There's peace and wonder, a collected state filled with inspiration... Going on walks, I love those moments. Walking along the pavement, through the neighborhood and park. If I were to say, "Under the trees and barefoot through the river" it would sound much more romantic and if I could, I would. But the truth of of the matter is, I live in a busy, fast-paced area. I can hear cars as I go along, and the birds aren't as loud. There are no locusts and I don't feel the excitement of wondering if I'll run into a wild animal. Yet, I'm still content. Because if I really allow myself to be inside, thoughtfully surveying my mind, the world around can truly become anything.

Well, now it's time for a cup of tea. The weather is all together perfect and rainy.



xoxo,
madeline claire

Good luck.

Yesterday I went to Barnes & Noble by myself to relax a little bit. I perused the shelves slowly. Reading all sorts of binding. From classics, to the disturbing latest teen books, to the poetry... As I gazed down the isles I felt collected and calm. That is, until I had a visiter while enjoying the art books. A woman stood beside me and started to tell me about an art book sale at some store. That was nice, so I thanked her. She then asked if I was serious about art. I told her yes, that I'm planning to major in art at college. "What do you plan to do with that?" She wondered aloud. "My dream is to become an Art Therapist. But we'll see." I replied. Her answer? "Ha! Good luck with that one!"

Back away from the tactless woman.

Good luck with that one? Really? I didn't let her less-than-encouraging attitude bother me. I just allowed it to perplex me for sometime. I just wonder what was going on in her mind in those moments. Do I look like a lost cause? Are hopes and ambitions pointless to her? How sad to think that she feels so hopeless about reaching for goals that she'd say that to someone else. It came out of her mouth in such a casual way, she had to be used to saying things like that.

Anyway, I also had a man ask me how much I made in two years. Um. None of your business. And the guy staring at me while I was trying to read a book made my concentration (and enjoyment of the book) fly out the window. Barnes & Noble alone is not the trip I was hoping for. Oh well. I guess I'll start going there when I need a good laugh, or a few creeper stories.

xoxo, madeline claire

P.S. I bought a book titled, Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankle. He's a famous psychiatrist and Holocaust survivor. The book is about his journey within the concentration camp. I'm very excited to read it.

Drifting like... A piece of driftwood?

 

This week has been one of those long, interesting weeks full of many activities but not enough production. At least it sort of feels that way. Emotional instability isn't helpful when it comes to getting things done and I find myself drifting around the house in a contemplative manner during the day and complete night owl behavior at night.


I have accomplished lots of reading, researching and self-awareness over the past week. But in terms of life and plans and getting that driver's license... I'm a little lost. As far as Romney's and Obama's apposing gun views go, I could tell you the facts. But I should probably also register to vote. Why is it hard grasp onto the fine details, the things that hide in the corners of your mind that keep you awake at night. All the "should's" and the countless "I have to do that" spring out of nowhere. Then, upon wakening... Nothing. They've left only to haunt you the following night.

I do believe that the things I have done this week have worth. More worth then so many daily tasks. I just wish I could organize my mind enough to fathom both. I like to think, I adore it. But there's that connection to reality that I fall away from at times... I'm better at dreaming.




xoxo, madeline Claire

pajamas. painting. perfection.

I just sat down with my coffee. It's almost 11:30 and I'm still in my pajamas.
Oh well.

Tonight I have art class, the last official class of the summer. My art piece still isn't done but it was the first time I've ever attempted a oil portrait, so there's room for grace, right? But grace or not, I'm a perfectionist and I find myself lying awake at night thinking about every detail of the portrait. I've been to both the Getty Museum and the Getty Villa in the last week and I keep comparing my work to the works of the greats... A bad idea all together. Why would I do that if they had plenty of practice and I've only tried once? It's so hard to build on experience when in my head I see all the sketches and paintings I would do if I had the courage. I'll find it, I know that. Courage comes throughout the journey, you don't often have it at the start. And that's okay.

With the words of my favourite, van Gogh. Cheerio.

xoxo, madeline claire